I didn't ask for this. Realization breeds fear of the unknown. Curiosity unveils more unknowing. Unknowing begets confusion. But is confusion all we are left to deal with in this life?

What realization do I speak of? _____

____ The realization that this life we live is vastly more complicated than the dumbed down interpretations of our universe that our human counterparts try to put into a box. I am not okay with this box, wrapped in a pretty bow. I'd rather face a lifetime of confusion and fear than settle into a simple explanation of this life. I don't want the fires of my confusion in this life quenched by a mediocre, yet peace-filled description of the point of life, for what is peace if but a veil to blind you from the impeding unknown you'd face without it?

I don't want to be medicated with a description of life that numbs me to the intoxicatingly unnerving grandeur of whatever is going on around us.

We are thrown into existence - consciousness suddenly, yet gradually, appearing into the magnitude of this universe. 

Magnitude, when realized, begets confusion. To come face to face with the complexities of a universe so unfathomably vast, and dually miniscule, and further the unknowing that begets those complexities... what is a human to do in the face of an existence that truly is impossible to know for sure what is going on?

Religion, on all accounts, sets out to explain this universe and our existence. There isn't a way to look at the complexities of our existence and universe without pointing to a higher power. A power that created. A power that perhaps is in control. And so different cultures, various places on earth, and peoples set out to explain. And just as vastly as our languages and rituals differ around the world, so do our Gods. Our interpretations of the confusion of this world. Peace follows, knowing that the unknowing is now known. Oh how we humans sure do like to know. 

But the human experience of peace and faith is not an indicator of truth. Peace is not a trust-worthy indicator, I believe.

I believe this higher power is far greater and more complicated than we will ever know. We can't even get to one of our planets in our galaxy - we can't even fully understand black holes, and yet we can even see them. Gravity, although all around us, is STILL yet a theory. How can we claim to know and have figured out this higher power, in light of all of this other unknowing?

I choose to push further into the unknown. I choose to hold a small burning torch of my own consciousness as a guide through the darkness of what life yields the further you leave behind a the beautifully packaged "human gift of peace".

The scary part is that I feel I will never stumble onto the truth. Because the more I think, the more this universe complicates. The more that the idea of "meaning" and "existence" expands. And perhaps that is just the point of it all. To take our small, curious torch of consciousness further into the dark until we are left with nothing but the realization that we know nothing. 

And just as we are thrown into existence, *knowing nothing*, regardless of if we asked for it or not - as much as we are gradually appear into consciousness, so do we gradually fade out of consciousness, *knowing nothing*. And perhaps there is peace in that. 

Perhaps there is more peace the further I go into the darkness - perhaps the fear I feel is just the pain that accompanies abandoning faux peace.

I didn't ask for this.... yet sometimes the best gifts are the ones we didn't ask for. This one just doesn't have a bow on it.